I realize that I haven't been particularly personal with this weblog lately, which is unfortunate, since I really wanted this site to be as much a record for me as a way to communicate with those who I've met through this medium. So, here's what's been on my mind the most lately...

Well, as usual, the topic that most of my offline conversations (and most of my online conversations as well) revolve around is my love life.

It's a bit complicated at the moment. I've actually been seeing someone for several months now. Sort of. It started out as a friendship, but has expanded to include more than friendship. This is all well and good, and I've enjoyed myself immensely during this time that I've known him. But we've hit a wall, and it's called commitment. He can't bring himself to do it, and I find that I'm really unhappy without it.

This is a first for me, since in the past it's usually been the guys I date who want the relationship to go farther before I do. I feel like such a girl, a girl with an agenda. I have no agenda, I'm just not interested in short-term at this point in my life. It's unfortunate, because I really like him, and what we have has just gotten better and better.

In the meantime, he feels like a jerk for what he feels is leading me on. I feel like a wimp for not walking away when I know he can't give me what I need (something I've always been able to do). Right now, it seems that all our happy moments are shadowed by the knowledge that it's going to end soon, either when he meets someone else, or I get a backbone.

I've been single for most of my life, and after my last big relationship, I thought I had learned that it's ok to be alone. After all, to quote someone whose name escapes me, it's better to be alone for the right reasons rather than together for the wrong reasons. If there was something else wrong with him or the relationship, it would be easy for me. If he really was a jerk, or he didn't respect me, or had a big head, or something else really undesirable, then I could walk away with a minimum of regret and start anew.

But I can't seem to walk away from someone I seem to have fallen for just because he doesn't feel as strongly as I do.

So most of my thoughts today are along the lines of: well, he's not happy with the situation; I'm not happy with the situation; the longer we draw this out, the more time is being wasted in his timeline of marriage/family stuff; so, why are we doing this?? Oh, right, because we really like each other. But is that good enough? When does it not become good enough? How long should I wait (and I realize that's what I'm doing) before I decide I've waited long enough?

And that's what's on my mind right now.