I'm back.

I signed on a new apartment yesterday, about half an hour after I landed. Things move fast around here. It's big and I'm happy that I got it. Unfortunately, my disinclination for a roommate has led to the need for a very strict budget. Witness a relatively poor me. Well, poor in the sense that I won't be able to do all the stuff that I've been doing for the past two years. I'm not giving up my gym membership or my cable television, which together would add about $100 to what I can spend on myself each month. Oh well, I've been saying for a long time that I have to find cheaper ways to amuse myself, and now's the time to make that all happen.

In other news, I'm discovering what it is to want something that I just can't have. I mean, there are lots of things that I want and can't afford, but I know that if I asked the right person, I could have it. I hold off on abusing my family's generosity in that manner though, and life goes on without those things. And I'm ok with that. Maybe it's the knowing that I could have it, but I won't do what's necessary to get it, that makes it ok not to have it.

But then there's wanting something, and knowing that no matter what you do or who you ask, it will never be yours. That's a horse of an entirely different color. They say if you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back to you, then it was never yours to begin with. Easy to say. And, I think, although you can set something free in your heart and location shouldn't matter, it does. When you have other ties to that thing, and you have to spend time with it, you can't go with the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality that I think helps a lot of other people get over their sense of loss when the thing they love decides not to come back. But no matter how much I can set him free in my heart, I can't seem to stay away. Maybe I have to find a way to set myself free.

A dilemma for the new year.

On another note (this is the last one, I swear), with so much changing in my life here at the end of the year, I've actually broken down and made some resolutions. Usually I don't go along with this trend, as I am rather ambivalent about the whole concept of tying the improvement of one's life to an arbitrary date on a calendar ... and besides, I suffer from the same inability that so many other people experience of not being able to carry their 'resolutions' past the first month or two of the new year, and I just don't need the added sense of failure that brings with it. Generally, I find that my life is fine around the holidays, and my need to change my habits and such comes around March and October/November. That's when I resolve anew to floss every day, to keep my filing up-to-date, cook at home more often, spend less money, etc, etc. This year, though, with the massive amount of food I ate last month, the need to keep to a budget, and the effect that a certain museum exhibition had on me, I find that the new year is exactly the right time to change some things in my life.

So this year, I resolve to eat less - greed is an unattractive personality trait -, work out more, spend less money, eat at home more, make my friends a more significant part of my life, and find a way to discover who I am and, as my teachers used to lament that I didn't do, make some progress towards fulfilling my potential (whatever that is).

2001 was not a particularly bad year for me, but there were some areas that could definitely stand some improvement in 2002. I think with a stronger sense of who I am and what I'm doing here, as well as better health and a more stable home, I will be a little more confident and have a better self-esteem. Two traits that, even if everything else in my life went into the dumpster, would make it easier and more satisfying to get where I want to be.

So yeah. That's what's been on my mind lately. Now I'm going to go find something cheap and entertaining to do. Best of luck to y'all with your resolutions for a better year.