A Paean to Grad Students

A piece on balance in graduate school. [via Brian] A very relevant piece, for those of us who endured it. Relevant to anyone, I think, who is trying to make more of themselves while also trying to maintain the day-to-day lives everyone else leads.

Personally, I had a hard time in grad school. A really really hard time. Returning to school meant moving away from everything I knew: my first apartment, my boyfriend, my college friends, a good job, and moving to a place I detested, enduring with practically no support network, hating the job I took because I thought I couldn't find anything better. And to top it all off, the boyfriend broke up with me about 2 months after I left.

Every damn week, I thought about quitting. I disliked school. Rather, I disliked homework. Classes were great. I liked going to class, listening and taking notes. It was the projects that always hung over my head that bothered me. I could never do anything without thinking "You know, there's that book/paper you should be reading/writing." Always. It leeched the pleasure out of everything I did for three years.

But I didn't quit, because quitting would have made all the pain I had gone through meaningless. That, my friends, was the only reason I stayed there. Not because I was passionate about the work, not because I even liked the work. But because I had already put too much effort into it to turn away.

I'm happy I stayed with it, and finished, but that last semester was the toughest of all. I was seriously depressed, constantly running through scenarios in my head in which I wouldn't have to finish, but it wouldn't be my fault. Most of them involved serious injury to myself, or a devastating illness. I was shocked later to look back and remember the thoughts that went through my head on a minute-to-minute basis during those months. And I had friends, a good job, and a family that supported me, both emotionally and financially. I cannot imagine what other people go through who don't have that.

People who go through graduate school deserve respect, regardless of their circumstances. Most of the people in my program were returning students - people who had been out of school for 15 years or more and wanted to improve their circumstances through education. Some of them drove from as far away as Sacramento to San Jose to attend classes. I had it easy by comparison, and I'm very aware of this. I wish them all well, and I hope that they felt the experience was worth the effort they put into it.