My horoscope this week:

This will be an elephant-wearing-a-parachute-as-it-falls-through-the-sky kind of week for you, Aquarius. It'll be a successfully-shoplifting-a-Bible kind of week, a using-bottles-of-Dom-Perignon-champagne-to-put-out-a-fire kind of week, a rewriting-a-Shakespeare-play-and-selling-it-to-a-Hollywood-producer kind of week. 'Improbable' should be your nickname. 'Prodigious' should be your word of power. If you don't receive a magic pretzel or a golden booger from a talking raven in your dreams, I'll be shocked.

Totally.