So I host this bi-weekly (twice a week? every other week? apparently it's both) dinner thing with friends. We rotate between three pubs in the Oakland/Berkeley area, getting food and drinks and hanging out for a few hours every other Thursday night. I ask people to RSVP only so that I know how many seats to save (non-rsvpers are welcome, but christ, they always show up before the people who did tell me they were coming arrive, so scrambling for seats ensues), and my only real rule is that the first time I'm sitting there alone is the last time I'll organize it. Thanks to one or two hard-core Pub Nighters, the tradition continues.

It's fun, and I'm glad to do it, and I know that if I didn't do it, no one would, and I knew that when I started it, but ... (and here's where I whine) I'm tired. Tired of being the organizer. Tired of doing the inviting and getting the 'sorry, not this time' responses, or no response at all. But this fear lurks that if I didn't organize something, if I don't "make it happen", then no one would ... or worse, they would, but they wouldn't ask me. Either way, I'm sitting at home, trying to find non-social ways to be less of a dork.

I think the answer is to start doing things in groups of 2 or 3 (as in, me and one or two other people). Get away from these large group gatherings. They're fun, but no one gets my full attention, 'cause I'm busy flitting around, being the hostess. I find that I have a lot of light friends/good acquaintances, but I'm having trouble maintaining or developing deep friendships.

So I'm adding that to my list of goals this year: make the most of the friendships I have, and stop trying to maintain my popularity status. I'm pretty much locked in to this dinner thing (by choice), and then there's my birthday next month (hint, hint), but after that ... I won't be organizing parties or large gatherings for a long while. And if I don't invite you to do something, I'm not trying to leave you out (another fear of mine), but I'd love to go out with just you another time. Is next week good? Cool. We'll make it happen.