I've held back from posting a lot of the jokes that I receive via email, but today's is just too funny to pass by. Sorry for the long post, but ... oh hell, this is my site and I want to read it. So there.

NOTE FROM CHRIS:

In this day and age, when America is fighting a war against an unseen enemy, it's difficult for people to know just who the bad guys are.

We here at TopFive decided to take a break from our usual duties as humor list writers in order to perform a public service by presenting this list of terrorist organizations that do not get the attention of the media the way Al Qaeda does...

The Top 20 Little-Known Terrorist Organizations

20> Al Quesadilla -- fighting for Mexican cheese appetizers

19> B.R.A. (Banana Republican Army) -- khaki-wearing freedom fighting yuppies

18> International House of Paramilitarism -- No attacks before breakfast!

17> Al Shamu -- whales fighting for liberation of their Seaworld-captive brethren

16> Ku Klutz Klan -- clumsy cross-burning rednecks

15> Kabob-aloos -- Cuban freedom fighters armed only with skewers

14> The IRAs -- little nebbish guys who annoy the hell out of people, with pants hiked high to conceal their Glocks

13> El McPherson -- band of crazed-from-hunger Supermodels

12> The Moulin Rouge -- French Communist song and dance troupe

11> The Spanish Imposition -- Your Tia Josephina comes for a visit, stays for a month, and lounges around all day watching Spanish soap operas with the TV volume blasting.

10> Al Kato -- freeloading houseguests who move in and eat all your food

9> The Talibananarama -- spreading the message of bad British '80s dance music

8> Hamina-hamina-hamas -- freedom fighters for Jackie Gleason

7> Balsamic Jihad -- fundamentalist food critics

6> "Weird Al" Qaeda -- attacking the capitalist, American government by spreading their revolutionary message in the form of a rousing polka medley

5> The Black Pansies -- black-gloved horticulturists

4> Yeehaw Jihad -- "The Cowboys of Chaos"

3> Al Ro'ker -- eighty percent chance of a Rain of Terror!

2> Falun Bong -- Uhm... hey, man, what are we fighting again?

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Little-Known Terrorist Organization...

1> Pujafudin-Pujafudout -- spreading the terror that is the Hokey Pokey

The Top 5 List

Obligatory Dumb Halloween Joke
('cause my co-worker keeps pestering me to put it up here):

Q: How do rednecks celebrate Halloween??
A: They pumpkin.

Random IM topics, in non-IM format:

Shaving nuts - and we're not talking walnuts either.

Mike The Headless Chicken

And I told someone else I was a cute kid. Then I went through a very long ugly period. Now I'm kinda cute again. I never had that awkward phase, I was just ugly. Glasses, freckles, bad hair ... same as now, only different.

Another classic Rhymes with Orange!: Shopping Cart Wheels.

Jessa is just too darn cute.

Causcasian jeans. So wrong. So very, very wrong.

Via Ernie

I consider myself a pretty clean person, if a bit messy. I actually enjoy cleaning. The instant gratification is so .. instant. And gratifying.

But I discovered a few years ago that while I'll spend an hour on the kitchen, and I can dust the hell out of the living room, I hate cleaning the bathroom. I don't know what it is about the bathroom that makes it so difficult for me "get around" to cleaning it. I think it's all the tile and the mold that lives there. Too much damn work.

So when I moved into my current apartment, I made a deal with Roommie that I would clean the kitchen and the living room if she'd clean the bathroom. To my eternal shame, I have been less than punctual? responsible? adequate? in doing the chores I said I would do. I clean up after myself, but two chicks with long hair tend to shed a lot, and we cook a lot too, which means spills and stains on the counter, and the trash bin is so very far away that I can rarely find the energy to take it out.

She hasn't complained, but I get the feeling she'd like nothing more than for me to read and follow Cleaning The Fucking Kitchen For Dummies. I'm trying to get better, really I am.

Via Jay

Happy Halloween!!

I'm not much of a Halloween person. Never did like dressing up, but I left the tv on long enough to see Thriller this morning, so I feel like I've done my bit to get in the mood.

Tonight is Halloween on Castro in San Francisco, for which I will be dressing up, courtesy of a big white feather boa and some items from the clearance rack in Mervyn's sleepwear department. Oh, and some purple nail polish and body glitter, too.

A night of ill-advised surfing, and this is what I come up with: Useless Sexual Trivia Mailing List and Gothic Martha Stewart Projects

Via 3Bruces

Via Tara:

The Work Name Generator.

I'm Mangler.

Sad news: They're re-releasing E.T. (this is not the sad news) and they're going to modify it (that's the sad news).

Via Morbus

SWAB (Social Webloggers Around the Bay)

Ok. It's done. I've created a social group for bloggers. And journalers. And diarists. And online personal publishers. And anyone else who uses the in-ter-net. Heck, my roommate's coming along, and she doesn't even have a website!!

I have hopefully avoided all most flame wars and unnecessary discussion by making an executive decision regarding the name, email address, and purpose. It's called SWAB (Social Webloggers Around the Bay). I really don't want to hear about the exclusive nature of the word Weblogger - it worked with the acronym, ok? My other option was BESI (Bloggers' Excuse for Social Interaction), but as funny as I thought that was, I thought SWAB was better. As stated above, it's for anyone interested in meeting and hanging out with people who write on the web. There are no limits on joining and the only limitation I'd put on posting is that events should take place in the San Francisco Bay area.

This is not intended to compete with any other group for members or purpose. This is casual, and social only. If you're interested in meeting new people and having access to an easy way to get groups together, this is a good resource.

Go join SWAB. We'll have a blast.

ps
someone mentioned to me that it sounds like we're all little pirates. I'll see what I can do about getting lots of eye patches for the first event.

jish has nice balls. Or so I've heard.

"You've got to see Market Street on Halloween! You've got to see Market Street on Halloween!"

I'm going to be there. Are you?

It's amazing what those headless gymnasts are doing these days, isn't it?? So there was this really cool picture of a headless gymnast on a german yahoo site. She wasn't really headless, it's just that the photographer caught her when her head was down and she looked like she was missing a major body part. Fascinating, I tell ya. Trust me. You'll have to.

Via Jish

Ok, ok, ok. I'll start the social group for bloggers today. The latest exchange on the Webloggers' social group list seems to have acted as the straw the broke the camel's back, alienating a lot of people who just want to get to know the people they read who happen to live in this area.

I'll post when I finally get it going, complete with email address and webpage where you can sign up. For those of you outside of the Bay area, you can still sign up, and when you come to visit (which you all will, at one time or another), you'll know what's going on with all the fabulous people out here.

But first, I have to get some work done today.

Stuck for something to wear in two nights?? Try one of these. You'll be the life of any party!!

It's not often that I indicate that my mood is bitchy, or that I use language like I did today. Everything seems to be a pain in the neck today. Literally. If I could find a chiropractor who didn't lecture about ergonomics and exercise, I'd go have it taken care of. Grrr.

Along the same lines as the last post: JC's funky bunch

Holy Cow! oh, er, um, Holy Hound ... Spaniel? Collie? Great Dane? For the canine in your life in search of some heavenly enlightenment: Jesus Terrier!

And the afghan said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you squeaky toys, bones, and some tasty Alpo (Lassie 2:10)

Via 3Bruces

Sneaky grape jelly is bad. Very, very bad.

I am such a friggin' stress bucket. With the added benefit of having no good reason to be so.

Argh.

I scored 2 on the CyberWhore Poll!


My heavens! You're an ONLINE NUN!

Are you sure you have ever actually BEEN online? That's not a TV you're sitting in front of, you know. How you have managed to avoid sex on the internet for so long makes you one for the record books. You're having your slutty sister fill this quiz in for you, aren't you? No wonder you list Vatican City as your profile location.

Via Spicy Mustard

Another attitude pic from yesterday.

We are so fucking awesome. That's right. Fucking awesome.

Found David Petryca's site in my referrers this morning. Besides the interesting blog, he has some cool wallpaper designs. My new computer background now looks like this.

Weekend Recap, or How Far Will Kristin Push Herself to Have a Good Time?
(more later - I accidentally hit Publish and I'm not finished with this post just yet - Oops!!!)

I've just decided to see if I can go a whole weekend without the internet. I hope so, otherwise I'm more pathetic than I already think I am.

Wish me luck! (knowing that I won't know about it till Monday :))

Thank the gods for emergency Snickers bars hidden away in desk drawers, awaiting the moment they were made for: the Friday afternoon munchie hour.

'Cause peanut butter and jelly doesn't really satisfy.

Oh Fuck Me

Economic Condition Auburn

Ouch.

If Girls Came With Resumés

Via Davezilla

Eric tells me that he's going to go to Hawaii like this guy tried to get to Canada, hopefully with more success.

Search of the Day: sexy pics with ayatollahs

Once again, I came in first. Whatever.

Jish and I went to see Travis last night at the Warfield. It was a great show. A little lower-key than I was anticipating, but fun nevertheless. RemyZero opened for them and their music was a lot of fun too.

Sorry for the uninspired take on the show. I was tired last night, and I'm still tired today, with many things on my mind. Suffice to say that we had a good time, which is really all I ask for from a concert.

Some of my friends have been having difficulty adjusting to life without DSL.

I don't know what I'd do if I had to revert back to dialup. Probably stop using the computer at home altogether.

Why I love Michigan weather

Today we have an afternoon high temperature of 73°F [22°C], severe thunderstorms, possible tornado warnings and wind gusts up to 40mph [64kmh]. Tomorrow? Snow.

I just don’t know how to dress anymore.

Bob The Corgi

It made for a truly dramatic display as I held it against my dark orchid sweater set. Oddly, no one commented on it. I must assume they were mute with envy.

IM moment, on buying a computer from a friend:

SuperK: You don't have to do it to buy my love, you know.
Me: I know. If I could buy your love, I wouldn't want it.
SuperK: Hey, good point! I should take it off eBay then.
SuperK: That's the next wave: famous bloggers selling personal items on eBay, promoted on their blog...
SuperK: "OMG! I was the high bidder on Kottke's old sheets! w00t!"
Me: Gross
Me: Oops, sorry, just thinking of used underwear and socks ...
Me: broken glasses
Me: mice gone bad
SuperK: Sell linkylove... Winner gets on my friends link list for 6 months...
Me: Kottke would make a killing. You would too.

So there's this interminable debate over what the final name for the Weblogger User Group is going to be.

In response to one member's suggestion of Weblogger Interest Group, another suggested that perhaps Collaborative Offline Meeting By Often Very Enthusiastic Revellers might be just as useful.

Près de vous, madame, oubliant les cieux,
L'astronome étonné se trouble;
C'est dans l'éclat caressant de vos yeux,
Qu'il avait cru trouver l'étoile double.

Karl's sig file.

I really want one of these, but I can't justify the expense.

The Weblogger User Group meeting has been covered by FastCompany in Microcontent and Microcommunity. One might notice that the only picture that really came out well was of Jay's head.

Latest good search: 38 reasons why carrots are better than men

And I came in first. I'm not bitter towards men. No, really! I'm not!

spinning-jennie - a cool librarian's site.

Good advice from Mr. Brad. Maybe this would solve my calendar issues and remind me to help out too!

The Bitter Single Guy

Via 3Bruces

Roger's Profanisaurus needs a Word of the Day service.

Via Jay

This little post from Tracy had me laughing out loud.

Overheard near the water cooler, on the subject of the smell of green tea and it's remarkable similarity to that of dirt and grass:

Don't get me wrong. I like the smell of dirt. I just don't want to drink it.

Never one to wish the day away in favor of the next, I find myself kind of wishing October was over so that I could change the picture on my calendar.

I feel all girly today. I'm actually wearing a skirt! Who would have guessed that I owned a skirt, or that I would wear it for anything less than a wedding or a funeral?? Certainly not anyone who has met me in the past 10 months!

Why are you wearing a skirt today, you might ask. Could be because my jeans are all wet from a failed trip to the laundromat last night or because my khakis are still in the car for some obscure reason or because I don't wear shorts unless I'm pretty sure no one will notice the chicken-skin-like quality of my legs or because sweats was taking this whole "casual office attire" idea just a little too far. I don't know.

But it's nice.

I've got the Baz Luhrmann cd playing this morning, and I'm listening to the song "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen), featuring the text of Mary Schmich's original "sunscreen" column. Worth a reprint, no? Why don't you go read it again?

Edmond tells the best stories.

Event announcement: Beer Train!

location: Ausiello's Tavern - 864 El Camino Real, Belmont, CA
when: Saturday, November 3, 2:00pm

Once again it's time for the event we all love - the Beer Train! This time we'll have a patriotic theme so wear red, white and blue, bring flags, paint your body - whatever turns you on! We'll be starting in Belmont and working our way south to Palo Alto. If we're feeling ambitious maybe we'll make it all the way to Mountain View! Hope to see you all there!

If you need any information/enticement/encouragement/excuses, let me know.

Dilemma: I just got back from taking Roommie to the airport. Do I try to go back to bed for half an hour/45 minutes, risking extreme grogginess when my alarm goes off? or do I just start my day a whole lot earlier, and risk a mid-afternoon shut-down?

Blah, blah, blah. Ever have the feeling that no matter how much you work, you never get anything done?? I feel like I've been busy all day long, but I can't cross anything off my list (not even the secret personal list of things to do).

Tuesday: An exercise in futility.

I've gotten some remarks recently that there are no pictures of me on this site. Rather than comment on other peoples' sleuthing skills, I've decided that my navigation over on the right requires some rethinking. I'll get to it later (maybe when I do the redesign that's a few months in the ignoring already).

In the meantime, for myself mostly (vain b*tch that I am), here are some links to pictures of me that appear in various collections on the web:

JessaJune's 2000 Ren Faire pics
Jish's snapshots
Tom's Fray Day 5 pics
JessaJune's 2001 Ren Fair pics
Jay's Weblogger User Group meeting pics
Tom's Weblogger User Group meeting pics
Shannon's record of last Saturday night

And finally, I appear on this site here and here and here and here and here.

See? I'm real. Really I am.

Someone with *way* too much time and feminine products on their hands: Tampon Henge

Via Elise

Consequences of working with a bunch of computer/Star Trek/Tolkien geeks:

I have been informed that the next version of our documentation should contain Klingon and Elfish translations.

Update: Ed has provided me with the Tengwar font packs.

Tango

Many, many times over the years I tried to let go, give my body over to someone else’s rhythm, but had never been able to. Never fully. Battling always with the impulse to lead, exacerbated by the sense that no-one ever hears the music the same way I do.

I so long entertained the fantasy that some day, it would just happen. Someone would just take me in his arms and dance me.

Oh, thank you.

PLEASURE

There is nothing finer than clean flannel sheets and a goose down comforter to make a warm and cozy bed.

I sent out the Novel Security Measures article to my father and a few friends, and he came back with,

"Good Grief, Charlie Brown!!! What the hell are we doing??? Osama may be losing the military war but he is winning the "Let's-destroy-American-life-from-within" war."

Via Morbus:

Bench pressing Panda

Yingying is said to be the only member of the endangered species in the world able to dunk a basketball, go down a slide and drive a car.

!@#$%^&*!! They're reclaiming my laptop at work. So much for portability.