Ode to a snackfood malfunction

I choke on pretzels.
How can I lead a nation?
Oh, Dick does that job.

Send Bush a birthday haiku, either an original or one that someone else has provided (such as the one above). Also: Republican Survivor [via Mike, who has gotten a job doing what he loves. How cool is that?]

Another cool thing: gmail bookmarklet that allows you to compose a message without necessarily bringing up the whole website. [via Evhead]

So I'm getting back from La Bohème little late, and all my night-owl friends are popping up on IM to ask me how it was. This is my little review:

It's like watching a baseball game for me. I can't tell good opera from bad opera. I just like to go for the dressing up, the people watching, the music and the show. Which is pretty much why I like to go to baseball games.

So in other words, it was awesome.

The joys of driving a car with no power steering/locks/brakes/windows/etc.

If it weren't for driving, I'd never get any exercise at all. - Me

For those of you who don't have enough magazines littering your coffeetable already, get a free 1-year subscription to Wired! [via Leia]

Who pages through 85 links to find out that I'm # 86 in a search for deviant female bloggers? Who?!?!

When people think of California, the state they imagine is characterized by places like San Francisco, Santa Barbara, Los Angeles and San Diego. You know, fairly hip and happening places. Even the people who live here think like that.*

Trust me, however, we have small hick towns just like anywhere else in the world America, they're not all in the central valley, and I grew up in one of them. Despite the fact that I now live in one of the most liberal and multicultural areas in the US, I come from a town that is conservative, homophobic, and doesn't particularly like anything out of the 'norm'. Imagine my parents' confusion on how to react when I tell them I'm trying to move to Berkeley.

* You mean there are places in California where not everyone has internet access? They've never heard of online dating? They've never seen two men walking down the street hand-in-hand? Open relationships/marriages aren't becoming normal? You can't find good Chinese/Thai/Vietnamese food at 3 a.m.?

spoon and fork are lying in bed, next to each other. spoon asks fork if he would lie as spoons with her. fork asks spoon if she would lie as forks with him. they both decline, and lay next to each other, as knifes. - Ephameron

[via riley dog]

Yay for getting home at a relatively early hour, for a weekend.

2 things:

1) When you've been drinking too much and you decide it's time to stop so that you can sober up and drive home and get to bed before the sun comes up, don't start drinking soda. 'Specially those sodas with a lot of syrup in them. I'm pretty sure that even after 5 beers and 2 pieces of pizza, I would have been fine, if not for that coke I had at the last bar. I think it's too much sugar - upsets the stomach. Never fear, I didn't see any of that pizza again, but it wasn't easy.*

2) I've always wanted to come back as a cat in my next life. Now I'm prepared to offer reincarnation a choice - a cat or a man. Besides other obvious advantages men have over women, there is also the issue of dressing. Time for a man to go out? Pants, a shirt, and some shoes. All he really has to worry about color coordination, and he's all set. In order to achieve the outfit I wore tonight, I tried on 2 skirts, three pairs of pants, 2 pairs of shoes and an inummerable number (??) of shirts. And when I got to where I was going, I was uncomfortable in my outfit and wanted to change.**

*That period of time when you were in high school college when you drank too much and figured out what your limit was? I'm going through that now. At 32.

**I think another aspect of my problem is that I don't have the right clothes. I have more than enough clothes, but they're all wrong. I'm in the market for a sugar daddy who will finance a new wardrobe - anyone have any suggestions?

Two more awesome/cool links:

East Bay SMART Corridors: Realtime Traffic and Video - If you click on the Powell Street @ Christie Ave. camera and choose to view north, you can see where I spend most of my time. (It's the light blue building on the right.

And no, I'm not going to go outside and jump around so that you can see me.

Mercedes-Benz mixed Tape

[both via Jonathan]

On the verge of going on my first date (yes, it's been defined and the definition has been adhered to) since November, I thought I'd share these tidbits that I found today (huh? work? what's that?):

Brutally Honest Personals [via Dana]

I don't feel as though you can really know someone until you kill, scale, and cook one of their fishes. [via Leia]

Nerve Dating blogs [via that foray into Nerve horoscopes the other day]

It's a Twilight Zone Day - people who haven't spoken to me in the year and a half that I've been here are suddenly looking me in the eye and saying hello, and I discovered that someone I thought was friendly has been angry with me for the last couple of months and I had no idea.

I guess I should status check my relationships more often.

Chocolate-covered pork fat? Yuck. [via Reecie]

That flag at the top of the featured website? That's my picture :) [alerted by Jane, who designed the site]

Yay! I'm back on top!

Today's fun site: Nerve Horoscopes.

I have two friends who are desperately trying not to get involved with one another who are Taurus and Libra. I'm expecting some good relationship news later on this week. (On an unrelated note, I'm an Aquarius.)

Another thought on the definition of dating:

"Date" according to Merriam-Webster: an appointment to meet at a specified time; especially : a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character b : a person with whom one has a usually romantic date.

Thus one could possibly organize a "date" just to hang out, and even if that particular date itself lacks romantic character, it might nonetheless serve to shape or further a possibly romantic agenda of one or both parties involved.

The best of both worlds: OfficeSpaceWars. [via Geekward Ho]

Interesting stuff:

* Portrait Illustration Maker [via spinning jennie]

* Extreme DDR [via jon]

* Girls' Bike Club and The "Natural" Story [via saltina]

* God Hates Soccer [via Josh]

So yeah, my DSL still isn't working at home, I left my glasses at my parents' house 300 miles away, I still have a lot of gifts to buy and no money to do it with, and I'm a whiner. Yay Monday!

So in less than 12 hours, I have been told by two people that I have a narrow and subjective definition of the word 'date' as it applies to activities that two people engage in.

How do you define a 'date', and how does it differ from or relate to 'hanging out' and 'dating'?

The San Francisco Bay Guardian is doing their The Best of the Bay Readers' Poll 2004. Go vote! (polls close June 21 at 5 p.m.)

Things that are kind of pissing me off today:

1) Neither Safeway nor Target had any unscented deodorant last time I went shopping, so I succumbed and bought what I thought would be a relatively inoffensive scented anti-me-scenter. Today is the first day I've used it and I hate it. If I wanted to smell like flowers and powder and shit, I'd wear perfume! or flowers! or powder and shit! Not 'fresh scent' deodorant! At the risk of smelling like myself, I am going to wipe this stuff off at the first opportunity (5 minutes and counting). Be 'ware, I'm probably not going to smell good next time you're near me.

2) My DSL has been down for the past few days. In the midst of what is coming to resemble the Christmas season for the number of gifts I have to buy for Father's Day, birthdays, graduations, and anniversaries, I HAVE NO INTERNET ACCESS AT HOME! How am I supposed to buy anything, much less have it shipped in time?

Things that are making it not so bad as I make it sound:

1) I get to go Home tonight!

2) Long, flowy skirts.

3) It's a Good Hair Day.

4) I don't have to face the "no gift" music till next week.

As a Dallas-aholic from waaaaay back, I thought I had a pretty firm idea of what JR was like in real life. I'm glad that Larry Hagman has a sense of humor. (i.e. he's not dead, he prefers using champagne to kill his liver, and he's not retired, he's simply out of work.)

The Jennifer Lopez Marriage Tracker [via Fujikosmurf]

I've been telling everyone (and I do mean everyone) since New Year's Day that I was planning to move to the East Bay as soon as humanly possible. After all, it would be closer to work, my plants would get more sun, and I could visit the fog when I wanted to experience cold and damp, rather than living in it all the time. That, and I was under the mistaken impression that, being farther from San Francisco, it would be cheaper.

My resolve has wavered as the good weather has held up this far into the summer season and I dread the drive over the Bay Bridge either 1) on the weekends when I don't have to or 2) after 4:30 when the traffic starts to get bad. I keep finding reasons why I want to stay on the foggy side of the bay: proximity to friends, proximity to SF, and I DON'T HAVE TO DRIVE AROUND FOR HOURS LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT.

But ... I balanced my checkbook on Saturday and decided that my days of being in the red the same day that I get paid need to stop. So I looked around on Craigslist, made appointments and spent most of my weekend and every evening since - yes, I know it's only been two evenings, but this is all the free time I have, folks - driving around, looking at apartments.

It's been a little frustrating, can you tell? But Jessa made me laugh enough this morning that one my co-workers felt compelled to pop her head over the cube wall and ask if I was alright:

Booboolina: I think people who don't care where they live should get all the crappy apartments and leave the good ones to those of us who care.
JessaJune: yes indeed! I agree.
Booboolina: I know there are people out there with the wonderful places who don't appreciate them. appreciate them, dammit!!
JessaJune: heheh. Maybe we should send out an appreciation enforcement squad?
JessaJune: or the Appreciation Police! "If you don't like this apartment enough, we're kicking you out!"
JessaJune: "How do you love this apartment? Quick, count the ways!"

Anyone know of a 1 bedroom apartment in the Berkeley/Albany area for less than $1000/mo on a quiet street with lots of light? Anyone?

Darnit. I can't ftp to my site. I'm a dork. Father's Day is in less than a week and I just remembered that my father's wife is out of town this week and therefore unavailable to advise me on what my father needs. I have to hang around near work for at least 2 hours so that I can go look at some apartments tonight. I balanced my checkbook today (I just got paid), and I'm already in the red. Add to that that I still have to buy 3 birthday gifts for this month alone, and make up for a mother's day gift that I didn't get last month.

Stress schmress. What are you getting your father for Sunday?

This would be the second evening morning whatever that I'm getting to bed at around this time. I'm watching the sun come up. I need to get more sleep, dammit.

But we had a great time!!

I have an extra ticket to see The Cunning Little Vixen on July 1, 2004 at 7:30 p.m.

Would anyone like to join me?

Taken!

In a conversation with a friend who is relating snippets of the various dramas around her and how she manages to avoid getting directly involved, I tell her:

I'm imagining you in a long black leather jacket, cool shades in place, while the gods stand around and shoot awkward situations and dumb guys at you and you bend and dodge in slow motion, barely missing every single one

If only we could all channel Keanu Reeves at crucial moments.

After 30-some years of listening to the radio and Emergency Broadcast/Alert System testings, I finally heard my first Emergency Alert System message today. It was kinda creepy.

And euphemisms. Right now, I'm very supportive of them. Clams too.

Sweet, sweet punishment.

Pacifica, May 23, 2004, 4:55 p.m.

I love the font on this sign. You're in danger, in style.

Happy Birthday to Jish!

Reasons I'm not cool:

- I wear earplugs at concerts.

- I like these shoes.

- My idea of an indulgent Saturday night is 1) renting a "bonnet movie", 2) picking up some KFC, and 3) doing my slug impression on the couch (minus the slime) while watching the movie and eating ice cream.

There are more, lots more, but these are all that are coming to me now. Can you think of any more?

Watch out, I'm hormonal.*

Besides having constant work stress (network down! can't work and can't procrastinate! email disappears just when you're about to send that masterpiece composition, etc), it would appear that everyone's IQ has dropped this week as soon as they got in their car. If you can't talk on the phone and drive at the same time, make a choice and do just one, alright? Anyway, either that, or they're suffering the same mean streak that I've got going. People, do not wash your windshield when you're on the freeway. We're all having a hard time seeing, and your spray all over my windshield does nothing to help, asshole. Moving on ... No one can do or say anything right, and don't even attempt humor over an electronic communication medium (ahem, email) - I'll take it wrong just to be perverse.

However, I got my hair done today and it looks fabulous. So that's something.

*Hopefully the hormonal phase will be over soon. Watch the imood indicator for further updates.

From my dad: beer drinkers beware!

Does anyone have an extra pair of feet laying (lying? I can never remember which to use when) around? I like mine a whole lot, but they're starting to cause more pain than they're worth, I tell you what. It would be nice if they were cute, but simply to be able to walk without pain would be nice at this point.

Anyone?

The line that kept going through my head today: I can't work, and I can't not work.

Network problems that keep you from the outside world suck. I spent a lot of time today drumming my fingers, waiting for things to happen. Grr.

Random moments:
putting $6 in the $2 parking meter at BART, only to discover that you don't have to pay for parking at all on the weekends.

After being out and about and social for 3 days solid, the only person I spoke to on Monday was an old woman at Fort Funston, smoking her cigarrettes and drinking her 40 oz beer while she showed her 10-year old grandson the miracle of the setting son (he had no idea what happened to it at the end of the day).

Shrek 2 is pretty darn good.

I am now on familiar terms with the bartender at Zeigeist. Yeehaw.

San Francisco Carnaval pics are up.