Happy 4th birthday, Lily!

So the party went awesome. Somehow everything happened according to schedule, although I admit that my closets are currently inaccessible, since I pretty much stuffed them full of the boxes and stacks 'o paper that I didn't have time to deal with at the last moment.

The Christmas lights I hung this morning were a hit, and filled in well for the candles I didn't light for the first couple of hours because there were babies in the house. Teething babies who like to put everything in their mouths. Every. Thing.

My bedroom, which I did clean after all, and very thoroughly, is still clean and I'm looking forward to spending a lot of time in there in the near future, albeit unconscious. The kitchen didn't fare so well, but the dishes are done already and I will take care of the floors and the tablecloth tomorrow.

All in all, though, I think this was the most relaxed party I have ever hosted. I'm not sure if it's because I managed to keep to my schedule so that when people started arriving I wasn't still rushing around trying to get things ready, or if I have magically passed some threshold of hostessing in which I know that everything I promised the guests is out on the table and if they want more, there's a supermarket nearby, so why dither and hover and worry about whether everyone has what they need, including a good time. In any case, I think everyone did have a good time, and if they didn't, well, maybe they can work on fixing that for next time.

But for now, I have 3 bottles of wine and 6 bottles of Fat Tire and a bottle of some juice drink that I can't drink. Wanna invite me to a party and I'll bring the liquid entertainment?? Woohoo!

Buenos noches!

Update!

I'm throwing a party this weekend. That's pretty much taken up all my spare thoughts and energy for the past 2 weeks as I use this event as motivation to finally get every single thing in my apartment clean for the first time since I moved in in Jan 2005. This includes pulling furniture away from walls so that I can sweep or vacuum behind them, wiping down the baseboards, dusting, throwing things out, moving other things into more appropriate places, etc.

I'm mostly done. The living room looks great (new couch! clean desk!), the kitchen does too (clean floor! clean fridge!), and I wiped down everything in the bathroom last night. My bedroom, however, is kind of scary and I fear that when people go in there to put down their coats and purses, no matter how clean and sparkly the rest of the apartment looks, their opinion of me is going to drop based on the state of the room in which I sleep.

Also, there are boxes I pulled out of my "fainting room" (aka, the random extra doorless closet) that I was supposed to go through last week and discard most of the contents. And I forgot to clean the hood over my stove. And I have to re-vacuum the living room. And did I mention the scary bedroom?

Anyway, the next few days will be rather busy, since I also have to do party stuff, not just everyday cleaning stuff - buy chips, dips, cheeses crackers and meats and drinks. Maybe hang some Christmas lights, get out all the candles I own (candlelit parties are the best - everyone looks great!).

In other news, I have a couch. The photos are off the camera, but haven't been uploaded to Flickr yet. They will be. Soon. Probably as a procrastination tactic as the pressure increases to Get Stuff Done Before The Party. It's a lovely couch, and very comfortable. Last Saturday was a whirlwind of activity, as only the day before I had found someone who wanted a futon. So instead of living with two large seating options in my living room for an unspecified length of time, we picked up the couch from SF, came back to Oakland, moved my futon out, moved the couch in (moving some paint onto the floor in the process), then went to another friend's, got his massive 200+ lb 35" tube tv out of his 2nd fl apartment, down the windy stairs and into my truck, and then it all went to the lucky person who, in one morning, got everything she's been scouring CL for for weeks.

Then I went home and fell asleep on the couch for 4 hours. And then I went to a birthday party for a 1 year-old that was not kid-themed at all. It was awesome.

Oh, and the best news of all: I finally went and got my A1C done this week, and I have brought it down from 8.2 in July to 6.5!! Most of the time, I feel like I'm not doing a very good job keeping my blood sugar in check, but this gives me a feeling of accomplishment and some hope that things aren't as bad as I feared.

Next week, I'm heading to Dallas for a week of not-relaxing. Then it's Thanksgiving! And then the Holiday Season™ starts, with concerts, parties, opera and ballet! And Christmas!

I'm having a great time. Hope you are too!

I miss my Lily

Lily at the park
Originally uploaded by Kristin

I don't miss my recent romantic relationship as much as I miss my niece. We have had vague indications that she may come to visit one day soon, but nothing definite. And as much as I hate waiting on others, I still feel hesitant about making any binding weekend plans for the next several weeks just in case I get the call to go Home. With my luck, they'll visit while I'm in Dallas, or throwing a party for 50 people or something.

And while I can't wait to see her, I know that she's grown up quite a bit in the year+ since I last saw her, and she probably won't remember me and we'll spend most of the visit just trying to make her feel comfortable, and then it'll be time for her to go just as it's finally getting good. Still, it would be nice.

Happy birthday, Patrick!

Happy birthday, Mom!



(she's the tall, young, pretty one in the back)

Halloween is going to suck this year

I thought it was going to be a good day. I mean, I had on the skinny jeans that are actually too big for me and the new shoes I bought yesterday THAT I LOVE ... what could go wrong? Let me tell you ...

1) so I was lazy yesterday and did not wrap Mom's gift and put it in a labeled box to be mailed first thing in the morning so it could get to her by Thursday when she leaves for Italy for 10 days. It's a journal for the trip, I think it is maybe a good idea if she has it *before* she gets on the plane. This isn't the wrong thing. After all, I like to take my Mondays slowly, ease into the week and work up to productivity, rather than tiring myself right out of the gate. So I thought I'd take a couple of rolls of wrapping paper into the office and wrap up the journals (I bought 2! so she could choose!), put them in a box I knew was in the office, and I'd be golden!

No trouble getting journals, purse, sweater and two unruly rolls of wrapping paper into the car. Getting out of the car, however, was more exciting, since I also had to juggle two sets of keys as well as everything else, and the paper on the rolls had come loose, making it hard to hold them together. Well, I dropped one of the sets of keys, and as I bent down - while walking - to pick it up, one of the paper rolls maneuvered itself around so that it hit the ground with one end, forcibly SHOVING the other end into my chest. Right in the middle. As in, any shirt I own that doesn't come to my neck will now prominently showcase the curiously round bruise centered above my cleavage. Awesome.

2) You have no idea how much that hurts. It's not crying hurt, like that time I accidentally stapled my thumb, or when that kitten bit almost all the way through my index finger, but HOLY FUCK, WHAT THE HELL, THAT HURTS hurt. So after about 15 minutes at my desk, wondering if I had fractured my sternum, I headed in into the bathroom to see the damage. It didn't (and doesn't) look nearly as bad as it feels. I headed back out of the bathroom, and that's when one of my brand new shoes decided to turn and almost dump me on the ground (ankle, ow).

3) Then, in the early afternoon, I was fiddling with a pen, not looking at it, thinking it had a cap on it, and stabbed myself in the palm with the ball point. That's when I decided to stop fiddling altogether. Stupid fiddling.

4) Then I thought I'd try to continue the "let's be friends" effort, and actually initiated an IM conversation with him towards the end of the afternoon. I should have known better, given how the day was going. The details of the conversation aren't important. The important thing is that I am finally facing the fact that I'm trying too hard to accommodate his well-intentioned desire to continue our relationship in a non-romantic context, even though I know I'm not really ready yet.

I'd like to be friends too. No one wants to spend 9 months with someone (even though the last three weeks wasn't really a relationship, I guess) and not have some friendship that should carry past the romantic breakdown. But as the one who was broken up with, I find I need a helluva lot longer than he does to feel comfortable sharing anything more than funny cartoon and youtube links over IM. This isn't new. It's not a revelation. It's not like I haven't been broken up with or done the breaking before. I guess I just keep hoping that next time it won't be so bad. I'll recover more quickly. Whatever.

So I spent the last half hour of my day crying at my desk. I'm glad he's moving on and improving his life with me out of it, and I'm working on the doing the same thing, but I don't need it rubbed in my face every other time we speak (online) that I'm the only one still feeling rejected and lonely here. (I should note that he's not doing this on purpose, he's not malicious at all. It just seems to keep happening.)

Everyone keeps telling me to take more time. I think now is the time to do just that.

So anyway, I did get the package in the mail (at the second post office I visited), and hopefully it'll get to my mother on Wednesday. Also got birthday stuff in the mail for my brothers - one should get there on time, the other is already a couple of weeks late, but I don't think he cares. I got a little bit of work done. And I made some decisions about my emotional life that will hopefully protect me a little and let me move on and maybe we can connect as better friends later, when I don't feel like crying every time he tells me about his weekend.

Oh, also? I bought another pair of Skechers (to keep these and ... another pair that are black with a design that no one seems to sell any more company ... in my closet) and some surprisingly pretty and pretty comfortable bras this weekend. I also sold my redundant tv stand that has been sitting like a lump for MONTHs, holding my mail and other assorted crap, waiting to move on to hold other tvs for other people.

I think I'm doing pretty well, all things considered. Still not there yet, though. Working on it.

The Librarian

Happy birthday Wendy!

Happy birthday, baby brother!

Surprisingly enough, this weekend has left me with more good news than bad:

Friday night was Girls' Night, since one of our group's husband was off to the Nine Inch Nails concert and she wanted to watch a movie that he would never consent to watching. We enjoyed The Matchmaker, a cute little movie, and had sandwiches and lots of baby time. Oh! And there was an earthquake!

Saturday I headed into the City on the ferry, visiting the Ferry Building farmers' market and the craft fair across the street. I didn't want to hang out till 5, so I walked down to Pier 41 to catch the next ferry back. Lucky me, this ferry (2:50 from Pier 41) swings by Angel Island, so we got the scenic tour on the way home. Once home, I showered, made a salad and watched "My Favorite Wife", another cute little movie. And then I made blueberry scones. Sort of. They're edible, but no one else will ever know.

Yesterday, I headed into the City again (this time in a car, which wasn't NEARLY as fun as the ferry) for the Ghirardelli Chocolate Festival. Obviously, I didn't eat much, but it was nice to be out in the sun and wind with a friend and a little bit of chocolate. Then we walked to Rose Pistola to watch some friends play a jazz while we ate an heirloom tomato, basil and mozzarella cheese pizza. Then I got to watch yet another cute oldie-moldy that constantly reminds me to take chance.

All in all, an excellent weekend. I vaguely remembered what it was like to enjoy being single. And I'm still feeling pretty good about things, so hopefully this signals a decrease in the emotional and physical lows I've been going through for the past few weeks. I'm tired of feeling crappy.

This weekend or next, we're thinking of going to Angel Island for the day. You're welcome to join us!

Also, don't forget that Shakespeare in the Park is going on now! I'll definitely be there this weekend coming up.

OH! And ... I have officially lost enough weight that I can now wear the ring my mother gave me when I graduated from undergrad. I haven't been able to wear this ring for years. Just a bit more, and I'll be able to wear my high school and Claddagh rings. Can't wait.

Update:

Apparently crying and eating almost nothing but toast for 3 days is bad for your health. I thought I'd just be left with bloodshot eyes, a runny nose and little energy, but no. I think the post-nasal drip irritated my throat to the point that I now have a cough that just won't quit. Awesome. Or maybe I have a cold from being run-down. I don't know.

I called in sick after a coughing fit left me shaking and breathless as I was getting out of the shower this morning. I talk on the phone for a few hours a day for a living. No one wants to feel like they've called Phlegm Central for help with their library software issues.

Poor me.

In the Good News Department, I have since slept quite a bit and have to remember not to talk to myself and now I'm feeling much better. I'm feeling better emotionally in general these days. Mostly. I'm getting lots of sleep. I've started walking for exercise again. I have a bunch of books waiting for me to pick them up from the library. I found stuff I want to do over at upcoming. If you want to join me for any of them, let me know, we'll see what we can work out. Oh, and I'm losing weight, at least as long as I'm on the toast diet. I'm at a weight now that I haven't seen in years. We'll see what happens when I get more motivated about real food.

Speaking of real food, I get to have dinner with Jessa tonight. Good thing for both of us that there's no such thing as a restaurant of toast. Yay me!

ps
anyone else having trouble staying connected to AIM today?

Also, it seems that I don't have the emotional endurance to wallow for more than a day and a half. (Eyes! So tired! Post-nasal drip! So annoying! Muscles! So sore from doing absolutely nothing!) I already wasted one lovely day of this weekend. I think I'll go for a walk now.

I have to admit that I take some vindictive pleasure that the blue jay my neighbor tamed into taking food from her hand woke her up too this morning at 6:30 a.m. when it was squawking outside our windows.

Now, if I could only do something about the little yappie dog that someone tied up out on the sidewalk ... grrr.

I'm a firm believer that both denial and wallowing have their places as coping techniques and I'm pretty good at both of them. I have been doing the denial thing every day this week, just to get from one end to the other. But now I'm facing a 3-day weekend with not a single invitation to any parties or bbqs or movies or anywhere else that would involve me getting dressed, much less leaving my apartment, so the wallowing will begin ... oh, in about half an hour.

Alas, the wallowing will not involve copious amounts of ice cream or any bread-based foods. But I have a HUGE collection of chick flicks just aching to be cried through. Good thing I have lots of kleenex. And a comfortable bed to indulge my stress-induced narcoleptic tendencies.

See y'all on the other side.

For when I come out of my self-imposed internet abstinence:

Tuesday, August 26
- gave away many many many hundreds of dollars of electronics to the recycling place in Berkeley this last weekend. It's amazing what you'll part with and for how much when you just don't give a damn anymore and it's taking up most of a closet. I'm on a roll.

- the entire time I was trying to figure out how to tell him I loved him, he was trying to figure out how to break up with me.

- I've been fairly useless at work lately. Check out my bookmarks and recently favorited videos. They're all entertaining and excellent.

- after months and months and months (like, years) of being THE social butterfly, I'm ready to go into hermit phase. Right after this baseball game tonight. And that dinner I do every other Thursday. No, I don't really want to talk about it, thanks.

- Just finished a 4-week class called "Living well with diabetes". Mostly, it was all about how to eat right, what kinds of numbers we should be going for regarding blood sugar, cholesterol and sodium (low, people, low) and how to work more exercise into our lives. Last night's class was the last one, and it was all about Complications. It was Scary. I had a salad for lunch today.

- I had my first nectarine all year today. I love this fruit, why do I always forget that it's in season starting in June?

- I am completely caught up on uploading photos to flickr for the first time in more than year. Go check 'em out, they're neat (you can skip the huge amounts of wedding and niece photos and just get to the interesting stuff - I mean, interesting to people who weren't at the wedding or the mother of my niece)

Wednesday, August 27
- my sense of entitlement is what's going to kill me in the end, I swear. I feel emotionally crappy this week, but just had the Scary Diabetes Class, so ... I eat salads to keep my blood sugar in check, but balance out all that goodness by heading for the vending machine Twix bars in the mid-afternoon. I have cheese sticks. I have celery and peanut butter. But I deserve the chocolate, dammit. It's a slow process.

- the problem with liking love songs is that when love has walked out of your life, all it does is remind you of what you've lost. This is inconvenient when you listen to this music all day long at work and in the car. The tears make it hard to focus on the things in front of you. Solution? Classical, foreign, and Modest Mouse. Either there are no words, you can't understand the words, or there are no words of love to be found, really. Score!

- I should perhaps clarify that I was not as clueless as I make myself out to have been about the directions things were going in. Why did it take me so long to decide to tell him how I felt? Because I guess at some level I knew he didn't feel the same for me. Which meant it would end eventually, right? I suppose that makes it a bit easier to bear, I just wish it hadn't ended now. Sooner, perhaps. Or much much later. Moral of this story: there's no good time to break up when the problem is simply a lack of chemisty, not a lack of like or affection.

- a very sweet friend just bought me a ticket to the SF ballet production of the Nutcracker in December, his treat. Again, my holiday season is booking up 5 months in advance. I don't mind.

- oh, I'm not getting email at @ booboolina dot com anymore. Try either of my gmail accounts: booboolina or kristinthegreat. I check them both every day. Response time is not guaranteed. But then, it never was.

Thursday, August 28
- tired of this self-imposed isolation.

- I haven't cried yet today, which is a huge improvement this week. Yay me!

- Thank you to everyone who expressed their sympathy on Twitter and Facebook. A friend sent me this ecard the other day, which I found hilarious. Yes, I used two social networking sites to spread the word for me so that I wouldn't have to do it over and over and over again every time I talked to someone new. It was way easier than composing the two emails I sent out to people who don't use these sites.

- No, I still don't want to talk about it, thanks!

- Have a nice Labor Day weekend everyone!